I have hit that life stage where insomnia is fraught with terror.
Nothing provides less consolation than taking record of my life.
45
Single mom
Haven't gone on a date since 2018
Chose a career that nurtures but didn't pay enough to live before inflation rocked us (Teaching. Because I honestly thought I'd be a SAHM)
Mostly mediocre at it all: mothering, art, teaching, friendships, career. By all metrics, I'm below average.
Now this is Night Brain talking. During the day, I'm happy, content, and filled with gratitude!
But I do have to take aging seriously. My health, my retirement, my future: those are all shaky at best, at least from my point of view.
In fact, I spent an entire season of travel pondering this season and listening to Jon Acuff talk about goals and life and faith. He's the first podcaster (or person) who seemed to be in my head, living my life, and yet being incredibly successful.
I love his focus on small goals, big results, and making sure those goals include family, faith, finances, and more.
Because no matter our age, we can always have another goal for growth or grace or treating others with love and kindness.
However, I'm not overly attracted to the idea that Goals = Purpose = The Meaning of Life. I need more or deeper.
And that's where a talk about the parable of the talents comes in.
Sean Cannell, another podcaster I follow, featured a speaker who is also a pastor who spoke on the application of this parable to business life.
I almost turned the podcast off. Growing up, this parable usually turned into a multiply-those-talents-into-this-offering-plate, and I am not interested in that particular CTA.
But the man actually seemed to make proper use of the parable and proper use of the word "occupy."
In essence, the servants with the talents were expected to keep busy and multiply what they had: that faithfulness in any context implies multiplication of what's in front of you.
That I can do forever!
45 and have a small dance studio: I will multiply our abilities and opportunities until I physically can't.
65 and living in a small apartment because I have no retirement? I can multiply my writing ability and give encouragement to others or teach the neighbor children how to raise plants and make leather pieces.
No matter the time or place, I can occupy and multiply.
So 45 and a single mom? I'll use the time I have to provide and to take my kid to blacksmithing or PT.
No dating? I'll use that time to become better at gardening or investing or helping others.
In-between times for a career? I'll keep busy creating amazing opportunities for artistic friends, teaching ancient art forms to the newest generation, and BEING an artist, not just teaching about art.
I may not be the best at any given thing, but I CAN and WILL be faithful in the sense that I will multiply any opportunity I'm given!
Night Brain still pops up with worry and accusations, but the power it has to cause overwhelming regret is broken.